The truth hurts.

I’m not going to lie. It has been a tough week. It all started going downhill last week when I rescued a dog! Baby Girl came into our lives exactly one week ago today – and in one week my life has changed drastically. I have always had pets – because I have always had children, and with children come pets – but I have never been in love with an animal the way I am in love with my Baby Girl. She is – in a word – special. First of all, she was living in an abusive home, and I truly rescued her from death’s door. Secondly, she is quite possibly the smartest dog I have ever met – by the third day with us, she had learned commands for sitting, lying down, shaking hands, and staying out of the kitchen while we cook. Finally, she came into my life at a time when my youngest had just left for college and I was in the throes of empty nest syndrome. If you have read my earlier posts, you will know that I started this fitness program because the timing just seemed so right – no kids at home, no more excuses not to work out and change my eating habits! Well, as soon as Baby Girl came along, my exercise routine went right out the window. That is how easily I can allow myself to be thrown off track. From the first day she was in our house, Baby Girl became my priority, instead of exercising and/or eating right. To be perfectly honest,  I have spent the past week not taking care of myself – instead, I have been taking care of my dog. And by taking care of her, I mean feeding her, loving her, cuddling with her, training her….. everything but exercising her (I left that up to Betsy, who walks the other 2 dogs at least once and frequently twice a day). I guess you could say I relapsed. I didn’t completely blow it – I was still being mindful of what I ate. But I let the exercise piece go, and I can honestly say it did not feel good! That is progress, guys, did you hear what I just said? IT DID NOT FEEL GOOD TO NOT EXERCISE!!!! By yesterday, I knew what I had to do, which meant setting my alarm for 5:00 o’clock this morning and getting my butt to the gym. And today’s workout was a killer. Adam has created a brand new workout for me since I “mastered” the previous one, and boy was it tough. So tough that at one point I was sure I was going to throw up – but Adam looked at me and said, “your face isn’t white, you’re doing okay – keep going.” So I did. Honestly – it was incredibly difficult. But I am back on track, and I have some new awareness to take with me as I move forward. The awareness that I find it incredibly easy to put myself last, at least when it comes to exercising. I want to change this. I want to keep exercise as a priority, because when I exercise I feel better about myself, I know I am becoming healthier, and without my health I will not be able to take care of Baby Girl! So I have a new reason to exercise – Baby Girl needs me!!!

 

Baby Girl

You know it’s bad when……

You know it’s bad when one of your children sends you a text asking why you haven’t blogged recently!! Truthfully, we have had a lot going on this week. In addition to working out and working, we adopted a new dog this week. It feels like Christmas at our house! Baby Girl (that is the name she came with, and we think it is so hysterical that we are keeping it – if you know us, you know neither Betsy nor myself would EVER name a dog “Baby Girl!”) is keeping us very busy. She is a rescue dog, and has required a lot of attention – attention we are more than happy to give her. But I have been neglecting the blog!  Anyhoo……. things continue to go well and I am pleased to report that I am wearing a pair of jeans today that I have not been able to fit in for about 2 years. They are probably out of style, but I don’t care! I am just so excited to be wearing them that style be damned! My workouts have reached the point where next week I am ready to go to the next stage – meaning, we have been working out building a muscle base so that I can begin doing “real” exercises. When I have exercised in the past, I just dove right into it, never thinking about things like “proper form” or “heart rate.” And when I did not see instant results, I quit. Time after time I repeated the pattern, getting bigger every month, and feeling worse about myself in the process. This time, it is working. I can feel and see the difference exercise is making in my life. My clothes are fitting, I am much less hungry, I am paying attention to food labels, I am not drinking alcohol nearly as much (just so you know, we went to Indochine for dinner last night and I had ONE glass of wine! I have NEVER gone to Indochine and had just one glass of wine!!), I am not eating ANY fast food, we have eliminated unhealthy food from the house so we are not even tempted, and I am drinking water….. lots of water. Another thing I have noticed is that I have so much more energy than I did in the beginning. I don’t think I have said “I am soo tired” one time in the past month, and it used to be my daily (hourly) refrain. Amazing. I am still struggling a little on the weekends – there is something about Friday night that just screams “it’s the weekend! time to blow it out!” but I am paying attention to that voice and telling it to just be quiet! I am learning that self-discipline doesn’t have to fly out the window just because the Friday 5:00 o’clock whistle blows. To be perfectly honest, it is a difficult pattern to break – for my entire adult life I have been “working for the weekend” – so weekends are meant to “have fun” and by having  fun I mean eating and drinking as much of whatever I want, and definitely not exercising in any way, shape or form. It is a new concept to me to practice mindfulness and moderation on Friday and Saturday nights! But I am embracing the journey, and I am willing to do the work I need to do to effect changes in my life. Every weekend gets a little easier. And I am giving myself permission to NOT be perfect – now that is growth!! Day 43 and counting.

I don’t wanna get up!

It’s been a good week. I’m hanging in there! And it actually is getting easier, even though progress is still way slower than I would like for it to be. I mentioned to Betsy last week that I was frustrated with how long is seems to be taking to jumpstart my metabolism, and she reminded me that I am choosing to do this at a pace that works for me, and if I wanted to I could make different choices – for example, I could walk every day instead of every other day. Or I could eat fewer calories in a day (while I am typing this I just ate a chocolate brownie that I  could have said no to). Or I could give up wine altogether. And she’s right. I’m just not there…….. yet. Maybe in time. In the meantime, I am realizing something else about myself which is …… I  don’t like the process of moving from being asleep to being awake. All this time I have just thought that I wasn’t a morning person. Getting up at 5:00 am for these workouts has definitely been a struggle, but getting up at 7:00 am on a regular workday is also a struggle. I allowed myself to sleep in this weekend, and even though I slept until almost 9:00 am on Saturday morning (utter bliss!!!!), I still had a difficult time waking up. And I observed the same thing to be true on Sunday morning, when I woke up at 8:00 am. This was actually a great thing to realize about myself – because now I know that whether it is 5:00 am or 9:00 am, or any time in between, I am probably not going to open my eyes and jump out of bed ready to start the day. Because that’s not how I roll. I like to ease into the day…… waking up slowly, drinking my coffee while checking emails and Facebook, catching the local news on tv, etc.  I think some of my resistance to exercising previously has been about not wanting to wake up earlier than usual and jump right into the day. What this insight gives me is the freedom to tell myself to just get up regardless of how I feel about it, and “just do it.” To acknowledge that it is not the exercise I am resisting, it is the waking up and starting my day more quickly than I like to. And it’s not a big deal. I can do this. Lots of people do this. I AM doing this. And every morning alarm brings me one workout closer to my goal!!! Day 38 and counting.

Comfort foods

I spent the weekend with my mother, helping her get settled in her new home. My mother loves to cook, and is very good it – she can make comfort food like there’s no tomorrow. So, knowing I was going to be spending the weekend with her, I wondered how I would handle all the temptation. Turns out, my worries were unnecessary! I was able to eat the things I wanted to eat – in moderation – and I just planned accordingly, meaning when we went out for dinner on Friday and Saturday, I made sure to have healthy, low-cal, low fat meals and I actually did not feel deprived.   But I got to thinking over the weekend about food – specifically, the meaning of food – in my life. For me, growing up, I loved my mom’s cooking.  She was a stay-at-home mom, and made good old fashioned dinners – meat loaf, macaroni and cheese, spaghetti with meat sauce, roasts with mashed potatoes and gravy, etc. When I got married for the first time at age 21, I followed my mother’s lead when it came to cooking. I, too, made meat loaf, macaroni and cheese, spaghetti with meat sauce….. etc. And I continued to cook this way until very recently, when the last child went off to college. To me, it just wasn’t dinner time without meat, potatoes, a cooked vegetable (peas are my all time favorite!), some sort of bread….. all followed by dessert. In our house, we have always eaten dinner together as a family – even when the boys were involved in sports, marching band, you name it – we made time to sit down and eat as a family. To me, food has always been about so much more than just nourishment for the body. It has represented true quality family time, filled with rituals, memories, and meaning. And I want to keep the healthy parts of what food means to me as I move forward, even though I am beginning to eat differently than I have up until now. So I am going to have to rethink and revise some of my old recipes. Bye bye meat loaf (at least the way I used to make it!). My sons are active and healthy, and I want them to stay that way. My boys already know how to eat mindfully. They eat not to fill emotional holes, but just  to refuel and recharge. I have a feeling it is going to be much easier for them as I change our menus than it is for me. Because I have had an emotional attachment to the food I eat. When I eat meat loaf, or macaroni and cheese, I feel comforted and nurtured. It’s true – food can do that for me. When I eat salads I feel virtuous – but deprived. I need to sit with this and really think about it. What holes have I been trying to fill over the years through the food I have been eating? Whatever they are, they are beginning to filling up through exercise and better dietary habits, and that is triumphant! A month into it, I am beginning to really embrace healthy, mindful eating. I am eating to refuel, and I feel better. And I am creating new rituals, memories and meaning. The quality time is still there! And when I get a craving for something from my old life, I really try and think it through. I ask myself what I am feeling, because there is usually something lacking inside me that I am trying to fill – the irony of course is that food never fills the bottomless pit of emotional hunger. I am learning this, and I am perservering. And it feels good. Day 31 and counting.

Wine – I mean Book – Club

 Betsy and I belong to a wonderful neighborhood book club, and/but we have nicknamed it “Wine Club” because that is how we roll – we do actually read books and discuss them, but we also drink wine during the discussions. Lots of wine. And with the wine is food.  Nibbly cocktail food. Just a little bite of this, and a little bite of that (and everyone knows, a little bite of something doesn’t have any calories, right?). So, knowing it was our turn to host wine book club last night, my goal was to plan ahead, making snacks that were low-cal, low-fat, and committing to not going over my 2-glasses-a-week alcohol limit. Easier said than done, as it turns out! Adam has me staying around the 1500/day calorie range right now, so I am being very  mindful about what is going into my mouth. I have been paying close attention to calorie counts this week, and it is amazing to me how quickly the calories can add up. You know what I learned last night? Two tablespoons of pimiento cheese has a whopping 140 calories!!! That is crazy!! We made some pimiento stuffed celery, and it turns out it is a lot more high calorie than I originally thought it would be! Scratch that one off my list of “approved cocktail foods” (at least for the moment. I am not giving up anything permanently). We also served pretzel sticks  (about 100 calories a serving), plain almonds (12 almonds = approximately 80 calories), and some low-fat Laughing Cow cheese (35 calories a wedge) with some whole grain crackers (10 calories a cracker). We also had some other foods that I knew I wouldn’t eat (Bagel Bites, mini-quiche’s, and mini-cupcakes from our favorite local bakery), but the important thing was to have some healthy options so that I wouldn’t feel deprived. I did pretty well with the wine – I probably had a little over 2 glasses, but not by much (I can tell by the way I feel this morning, haha!). So all in all, it was a successful evening (food and drink wise), I had a great time, and I did not feel like I was deprived/left out. Chalk up another success!!! And in the morning, I had a great workout. I have already increased my reps from 12 to 15, and have added an extra set to my workout, so there is definitely progress being made. Someone asked me last night if I was enjoying the workouts yet – honestly….. no, I am not. I find the workouts to be physically exhausting, and yesterday there was a moment when I actually thought I might throw up. But regardless, I am showing up at the gym every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 6 am, and I am DOING IT!!! I am pushing through the fear, the pain, the discomfort, the embarrassment (I still have to lift my legs up with my arms just to get them in place to do the leg-pushy thing!!!!), the early morning wake-up calls, and the fatigue because I want to. Not because anyone is telling me I have to. And I am definitely beginning to feel better about myself because of it. For so long I have hated the way I feel, hated the way I look, hated the way I just couldn’t seem to get it together enough to begin this journey and stick with it for longer than a week or two ….. and now here I am, almost a month into it. I am still not liking the way I look of course, but I actually have hope. Hope is a wonderful thing!!! I am visualizing my new, healthy self…. visualizing not having to shop “upstairs” at Belk’s, visualizing not having to edit every single photograph that is taken of me in case I “look fat,” visualizing not dreading every time I go to the doctor’s office because of my weight, blood pressure, or just health in general. And I am embracing the entire process, one day at a time. Not trying to change Rome in a day, just trying to make each day count, and take responsibility for my own health and well being for 24 hours at a time. Today, life is very, very good. And it turns out I can enjoy book club with moderation. Day 27 and counting.

Instant gratification…… NOT

I spent yesterday pouting. Yes, I really did. Betsy will be happy to confirm this. It all started because I asked Adam to weigh me yesterday morning and in the three weeks I have been doing this I have officially lost….. drum roll please…… a whopping 4 pounds. That’s right folks, 4 measly pounds. I was SO pissed!!! I don’t know what I expected – I think I am still looking for that instant fix, a weekly loss of say…. 30 pounds or so (yeah, yeah, I know – completely unrealistic). So I allowed the scale to ruin yet another day. I spent all day yesterday being pissed off and feeling frustrated. It didn’t help that I had to work late last night, so I was also feeling sorry for myself about that. But you know what? Even though I was not having a good day, I did not stray from my food plan. I ate exactly what I was supposed to eat, and I did not come home and have a glass of wine. I went to bed feeling good about the progress I am making, and today I am in a much better place and I just have to laugh at myself. I mean, it has taken me how many years to get to this point? And I have been practicing reform for how long? And I think ultimately it speaks to a bigger issue for me – which is, I have trouble waiting for anything. When I was younger, I would actually unwrap Christmas gifts just because I couldn’t wait to see what was in the package. Yes, yes, I did that. Not proud of it, but it’s true. When I was pregnant, I had  SO much trouble waiting to go into labor – I would go to the doctor, insisting I was in labor a week or two ahead of time. One time I even got so far as to go to the hospital….. only to be sent home again. False labor sucks! And the funny thing is this…. I know this about myself. As I said in an earlier post, I have done my work. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. But I am still human, and I have learned that is okay to laugh at my foibles  – although sometimes I need a day or two to see the humor in a situation. So this morning, when I woke up, in addition to laughing at myself about my day of pouting yesterday, I was able to be excited about the fact that I have actually lost 4 pounds – not just “water weight”, but 4 solid pounds. It is a sign that things are changing in my body, and even though the scales don’t matter as much, 4 pounds is still 4 pounds. I no longer have 90 pounds to lose, woo-hoo! (I only have 86!). Day 25 and counting.

The Hangover

Today’s post is about ALCOHOL. As in, I am hungover today. We went to our favorite neighborhood restaurant last night, and as usual I was overserved. Not really – I mean, yes, I drank too much, but I am well aware that I made the choice to drink and now I have to accept the consequences of my actions. What is it about the weekends that makes me think I have to indulge to excess in order to have fun?  This is going to be the next thing I work on. Alcohol is the next guest I am uninviting from my dinner table. Not entirely – that would be radical and unbalanced, and the whole point of this journey is to practice mindfulness in everything I do, and live a completely balanced life.  But I do need to rethink my weekend tendency towards overindulging. Betsy and I entertain a lot, and we have a large circle of friends who are gracious hosts and hostesses. And alcohol is a big part of our social life. Not in an alcoholic way, but definitely in a social lubricant kind of way. But it is not working for me these days. It does not make any sense to train with Adam 3 days a week, do cardio work another 2-3 days, then undo all my hard work on Friday and Saturday nights. My job right now is to get healthy, to become active and fit – and while it is perfectly fine to have a glass of wine here or there, anything more than that is just taking a step backwards. So, I am committing to another change this week. I am going to limit myself to no more than 2 glasses of wine OR 2 beers OR 2 alcoholic drinks per week. And maybe at some point in the future I will eliminate alcohol altogether….. just not now. I am constantly reminding myself that this transformation is going to take time. I do not want to set myself up for failure so early in the process by restricting myself from things I truly enjoy. That would just lead to anger and resentment. But I also want to stretch myself enough during this process so that there is some discomfort. I don’t want it to feel totally easy. Like the stretching Adam has begun to incorporate into the end of my workouts – he pushes on my legs to stretch my muscles, and he will always ask me to let him know when it begins to feel uncomfortable. I am learning to pay attention to the signals my body sends me. A little pain is okay. A little pain is actually a sign that I am pushing myself in a healthy way. And so it is with alcohol. It is another unhealthy habit that I am going to work on changing. I am going to find a different way to have fun on the weekends. Maybe it will be hard, and maybe it won’t. The point is, there is less wiggle room the further I get into the process. I am becoming more accountable, acknowledging that I alone am responsible for my health and well-being, and getting honest about the things I need to change if I am going to succeed. I know it’s only been 3 weeks, but WOW, the things I am learning!!! Day 23 and counting.

The Times They Are A-Changing……

The last two days have been really, really good. I have been watching what I eat, trying to stay in the 1500-1600 a day calorie range, and I went for a power walk after work last night – I even managed to run a little, which was HUGE!!! And at today’s workout, Adam added another exercise, just to shake things up a little. The new exercise is some side twist thing that uses my core muscles. So already – in just 3 weeks – there are changes in my workout. I am moving through my reps quicker, I have added some weight to the arm thingy (one of these days I will actually learn what these machines are called), I can ride the stationary bicycle for 10 minutes (not just 5), and I have a new exercise in my routine. I am making progress….. despite what the scale says. Stupid scale. And I know I shouldn’t go by what the scale says, but knowing it and truly believing it are two entirely different things. I have this mentality that higher numbers on the scale are BAD, as are dress sizes over a 10-12 (I have been wearing a size 18 for the last few years, so you can imagine how BAD I have felt about myself.) I weighed myself this morning for the first time in over a week – and guess what? NOTHING! That’s right, I have not lost one single pound. When I complained to Adam, he reminded me that muscle weighs more than fat, and I might be losing fat while gaining muscle, so the scale is not an accurate reflection at this point of what is going on in my body. I need to remember that and not get frustrated….. but I have to be honest – I was disappointed and even a little pissed off. Interestingly, I did not notice myself going down the “this isn’t worth it road,” so I will count that as some positive movement forward – I think I am beginning to believe way deep down where it really, really counts that I am actually going to do this. That I am going to succeed. That I CAN get healthy, and I CAN be patient and practice some distress tolerance when things are not moving as quickly as I would like them to. On a somewhat related note, today would have been my dear old father’s 86th birthday.  May he rest in peace. I think I have him to thank for my love of all things food. My dad loved to eat, and a lot of my memories with him are food-related. Obesity runs on his side of the family, and I definitely have that Architzel gene when it comes to my love of food. I know that my father struggled to control his weight, especially in his later years. And it was truly a struggle. Because food brought him a lot of pleasure. I am the same way. I love food, and everything food-related. I enjoy reading cookbooks, we subscribe to two food magazines, I am always clipping recipes that I intend to try (but rarely do) out of magazines, and I could spend hours in the grocery store just looking at all the food. [Is this normal? Probably not!!! But – as I tell my clients – “normal” is highly overrated, haha!!!] What I am realizing is that food has played a huge role in my life. It is a security blanket, a pacifier, familiar and comforting, and I am actually really attached to my favorite foods. So there is some grief in this process (Yes, I DO have a flare for the dramatic). I have noticed myself feeling sad this past week, and I’ve been looking everywhere but the obvious for the reason why. I think I am actually grieving letting go of my old dietary habits. They weren’t healthy, but they were familiar. Kind of like really dysfunctional dinner guests who keep getting invited back for dinner despite the fact that I have outgrown their company. They are familiar, it is easy to be with them, and even though I know they aren’t good for me in the long run, in the here and now they please me, and make me happy and it is more comfortable just to keep things the way they are than to try and change. Change is hard. Even good change, which this is. So my lesson for today is to be gentle with myself. To allow myself  to un-invite some familiar guests from my dinner table, knowing it is going to leave some empty places, and to not try and fill up the empty places with more food. It is okay to feel sad, because I am letting go of some very familiar faces at my dinner table and I don’t know yet how those empty spaces will be filled. I have faith, I have trust, but I also still have some fear and doubt. And I have some empty places inside me. What I know for sure is there is room for everyone – new, healthy faces as well as some of the old, familiar ones- at my new table, my table of health and fitness. Happy birthday, Dad. You would be proud of me. Day 19 and counting.

Mindfulness, moderation & hunger pains

So not only am I exercising…… I am also changing the way that I eat.  As I move into the third week of my transformative process, I am noticing today that I am feeling a little out of sorts and – unlike before – I can’t eat something to change the way I feel. I am actually having to sit with the discomfort of feeling uncomfortable and it is not easy! I can’t put my finger on why I feel this way – although there are a few things going on in my life that are adding to the stress. But nothing I can’t handle. I guess I will just have to wait it out, and have faith that – like so many things – this too shall pass. I don’t have a lot to write about today. I got up and went to the gym at 6 o’clock, so I feel good about that. It took a little longer than usual to get my heart rate up, which Adam says is a good thing, and shows I am getting stronger. Woo-hoo! Betsy and I did a pretty good job with our food this weekend, although the pot roast I made yesterday was definitely comfort food, and something I will only eat sparingly as I move forward. I was proud of myself for eating mostly carrots, a few potatoes, and a small portion of meat, though – instead of the other way around! It was a chilly, cloudy weekend – the first weekend that really felt like Fall.  Betsy’s back was still bothering her on Saturday, plus she caught a cold due to her compromised immune system, so we spent the entire weekend at home. I can’t remember the last time we didn’t have at least one thing planned on the weekend. It was nice to just “nest.” I love our home, and I didn’t miss going out, but I did find myself craving carbs, “creamy, noodly things” (as a client of mine used to say) all weekend.  I think we handled the food part of the weekend pretty well, all things considered. Friday night I made a low-fat, low-cal turkey chili which we ate for dinner on Friday and Saturday with low-fat sour cream and low-fat cheese. Delicioso! I had a couple of glasses of wine both Friday and Saturday night, but again I am not trying to eliminate anything from my life, I am just trying to practice mindfulness and moderation. There’s a new concept, haha!!!! In fact, we both remarked to each other how much we are changing in that we no longer want to drink to excess, or eat unhealthy foods. I think we both have arrived at this place in our lives where we realize we cannot take our health for granted. We are both women in our 50’s and we have been incredibly fortunate up until this point. Neither one of us has had any major health challenges, and for that I am very grateful. So it was a good weekend….. albeit a quiet one. And now it is already Monday again – where did the weekend go? The older I get, the faster time seems to fly by! Day 17 and counting.

Growing Pains

To be honest with you, it’s been a tough couple of days. Betsy pulled a muscle in her back earlier in the week, causing her to be in excruciating pain and unable to even get out of bed by yesterday morning. Because she was in so much pain, I got to “be Betsy” for a couple of days. It was exhausting. I realized this week just how much she does, and how little I do, around the house. I am not proud! You see, she makes it so easy for me to just coast when it comes to all the little things that go into running a household. She changes the litter boxes and feeds the cats. She washes and puts away the dishes. She takes out the trash and recyclables. She sweeps the pet hair off the hardwood floors. She pays the bills. She feeds, waters and walks the dogs. She does all the laundry. She has brought me coffee in bed nearly every morning since we first moved in together in November, 2003 (the only times she has missed is if she has been out of town, or if she has been sick. And I can probably count on one hand the number of days she has been sick!). She packs me a lunch every day. She cooks dinner most nights (and cleans up as she goes along). She  takes care of the yard. She fills the bird and hummingbird feeders. Oh, and in her spare time she runs a business and manages to exercise pretty much every day. And what do I do? I let her do it all because it is easier, and because I am lazy, and truthfully because I am carrying around 90 pounds of extra weight which slows everything I do down to a slow crawl at best. So while I am sorry her back went out on her this week, I am really glad for the wake-up call it gave me. Again, it goes back to being a spectator versus being a participant in my own life. I am beginning to realize how much I have been missing, and it is a painful realization. I am changing, though. A day at a time I am changing. And even last night, when every fiber of my being said “you’ve been working hard today, it’s okay if you don’t walk tonight,” you know what I did? I laced up my shoes and I walked. And I felt better for it. Not just physically, but mentally as well. Just knowing that I did something that was taking me a step closer to good health versus a step farther away from health gave me a feeling of accomplishment that I wouldn’t have had if I had just sat in my recliner and turned on the television set (which I was able to do, after I walked). It’s only been two weeks, but I can feel the changes already. My body feels stronger and has more energy, I feel more mentally alert, I feel better about myself in general. And today I am grateful for my partner – my Betsy – who is such a great role model, and who has been so patient with me as I have struggled to find my own way to exercise and good health. Day 16 and counting.,