Background Music

Got up this morning, drove to the gym, started my workout, and a few minutes into it realized the satellite radio station was playing…… wait for it….. 80’s music! A nonstop loop of everything from Blondie to Human League to Phil Collins to Whitney Houston. As soon as I realized what was playing, I froze like a deer caught in the headlights and stood there embracing my inner tendency towards fight or flight. Cue “Should I Stay or Should I Go” (by the Clash). “What’s the big deal?” you might ask. Well the big deal is this: if there  is one decade I could completely erase from my life and never revisit again, it would be the 1980’s. Some people have a bad day…. a bad week…. month…. year…. I actually experienced a bad decade. All of my own making, let me be quick to point out.  So the thought of exercising for an hour to music that was giving me a trauma response (okay, that’s a little extreme, but you get my point!) seemed almost too much to handle at 6:00 am on a Wednesday morning in September. I turned to Adam, and said, “There is 80’s music playing.” He didn’t miss a beat (no pun intended). He just agreed with me and kept counting my reps. So I said (in an assertive tone of voice) “I do not like 80’s music.”  And when he asked me why not I said, “let’s just say it was a bad decade and I don’t like the memories associated with the music.” Instead of feeding into my neurosis, and changing the music to another station (which is what I was hoping for), his response was totally awesome, and it completely caused me to rethink the way I was feeling.  He said (and I am paraphrasing) that when something happens to remind him of a period in his life he would rather forget, he uses it as a teaching moment to remember to be grateful for the experiences that have gotten him to where he is today – because he likes who and where he is today, and he probably wouldn’t be at this place without all the experiences – good and bad – leading up to this point in his life. While this wasn’t new news to me – I have done my work and much of the time I can use thought stopping and reframing with the best of them – I really needed to hear what he had to say on this particular morning. Because I know how my brain works. If he had not interrupted my negative thinking, I would have been walking down memory lane for the entire hour at the gym, feeling angry and bitter, harboring resentment, and then my whole day would have been spent ruminating about that period of my life. I would have translated my experience at the gym into “I hate working out” which would have led to “I don’t think I can do this” which would have led to a phone call to Adam letting him know personal training is not really for me. I know, I know, such an extreme reaction – but I am telling you, I know how my brain works. Instead, thanks to Adam, I was able to snap out of it and just enjoy the music for what it was – background music for my workout. My workouts are not meant to be about the music. My workouts are about the workout and getting healthy. Period. And there was a bonus lesson in there for me today – to figure out what is the background music in life, and then learn to tune it out in order to focus on the task at hand. To be fully present to what I am doing, rather than distracting myself with background noise. I can’t tell you how often I am doing one thing while mentally doing something else. My goal for the rest of today is going to be to keep my mind and my body in the same place. To practice mindfulness – and also gratitude. Today I am grateful for my health, for a good workout this morning, for Adam’s wisdom, and for a decade of memories that remind me of how far I have come on this journey called life. And it turns out I kind of like 80’s music for working out – it has some good beats. Day 12 and counting.

Engaging The Metaphor

I am pleased to report that today’s workout was MUCH better than Friday’s.  Whew. I needed it to be. I had fears on Friday that I would give up altogether, as in one tough workout and I am outta here….. because in the past that has been my MO.  When the going gets tough, I run! It seems I have always struggled in life in one way or another. Nothing has been easy – or simple. I think I have always marched to my own drummer, a source of frustration for my parents who tried to instill in me the value system that they had grown up with, and which had worked so well for them. But I was the rebel child, the one who thought I could do things my own way, on my own terms, not realizing that for every action there is a consequence, and I might not always like the consequences! Due to some pretty ugly consequences, I then got to spend a lot of years playing the blame game – you know, the one where it is everyone else’s fault, and nobody understands me, and I have the worst luck, etc., etc., etc. Eventually I grew up, and took responsibility for myself and where I was in my life. Even though I had done some things backwards – for instance, I had 5 children, but no college degree – I made a decision on my 40th birthday that the rest of my life could be anything I wanted it to be – as long as I was willing to make a commitment, do the hard work required, and never, ever give up. I started school at the local community college the year I turned 40. Despite being a business owner/operator (my husband at the time and I owned and operated an ice cream/coffee shop in downtown Wilmington, NC), and mother to 3 small boys, I graduated with honors, and immediately transferred to a four year university, where I majored in social work, and also graduated with honors. I then went on to graduate school, and earned my Master’s degree in social work. Since then I have been working hard, hard, hard. I love what I do, and I hope to do it for another decade (or two!). So I have the mommy thing down, I have the college thing down, I have the work thing down, and most recently the youngest of the 5 went off to college, so there is finally no excuse for doing what I have been saying I am going to do for as long as I can remember – GET HEALTHY!!! This is my opportunity, and I am excited to be on this next part of my journey. But as I learned through my school experiences, for me getting healthy is going to be a  process and the process is going to take commitment, time, and effort – and it is not always going to be easy.  Just like college, I have to start with the basic classes before I can jump into the advanced ones. And it is going to hurt a little. I am building muscles in my body, just like I built muscles in my brain. I remember a couple of classes early on (public speaking was one of them, geology was another) where I thought “I just can’t do this,” and I had that same thought of wanting to give up. But I kept on going, even when I wanted to be anywhere but in that classroom. And I remember thinking – once the class had ended – that while it was uncomfortable and I didn’t necessarily like it, I liked that it put me one class closer to graduation. And that is how I am approaching my workouts. I might not like the workout, but each workout is one workout closer to my goal, which this time is to attain complete physical health. So I will keep pushing through it. And when I have a good day, like I did today, I will be grateful.  And when I have a bad day, like I did on Friday, I won’t quit. The good days will keep me coming back on the bad days when I want to quit. And eventually, those muscles will be strong enough that I will be able to take some classes that I really, really like! Day 10 and counting.

A Good Enough Workout

I thought today would be a great workout. I walked for 30 minutes yesterday (listening to Eminem, seriously!), watched what I ate yesterday (meaning no sugar, no candy, no fast food, and we had a very healthy dinner), and I went to bed on time and slept through the night. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t jump out of bed when the alarm went off at 5:00 am, but it was tolerable, and I didn’t feel like I was going to die. So imagine my surprise when I got the gym and started my workout and wanted to give up oh…. like…. maybe 15 minutes into it!!! What’s up with that? The arm push-up-thingys are especially hard for me, and weights that felt okay two days ago felt like the heaviest weights ever today. Adam explained that my muscles might not have fully recovered from the workout two days ago. “The only good failure is muscle failure,” he said. Meaning, I have pushed my muscles as far as they can go and they are tired. Can I just say it did not feel like a good failure? I mean failure is failure, right? Adam was very patient, and very encouraging, but it took everything in me not to just ask for permission to quit 30 minutes into it. I waited until 45 minutes, then said I COULD NOT DO ONE MORE THING! It didn’t help that they were resurfacing the floor with some chemical-smelling paint, and the fumes were extremely odiferous and noxious. I have always been sensitive to smells – so this was honestly quite a distraction. Anyway, I guess the good news is that I suited up and showed up, and I feel I gave it my best effort – and even a  little more. It wasn’t a great work out (no reflection on Adam, trust me), but what is important is that I was there. It was a good enough workout! I continue to be hopeful that I will eventually get to meet an endorphin, and I guess it is that hope that will keep me coming back. I left the gym and went to McDonalds to get a 39 cent cup of coffee (the senior discount, one I am not ashamed to ask for, haha!) then went home and ate a healthy breakfast. Despite my lackluster performance, today will be a good day because I am another day closer to my goal of good health. And a good enough workout is better than no workout – even I know that much!! Day 7 and counting.

My First Day of Training

So of course last night was like the night before the first day of school….. or before starting a new job….. or any other important “night before something new” – meaning I psyched myself up for not being able to go to sleep, worrying about waking up when the alarm went off, worrying that I would be too tired to get up and go to the gym, worrying about things I had said during the day, or hadn’t said, or meant to say, worrying about the things I needed to get done tomorrow….  well, you get it. Betsy and I went to bed at 9:00 pm, knowing that the alarm was going off at 5:00 am. I am an “8 hours of sleep a night” kind of girl! I think I ended up with about 3 total hours of good sleep. First, just as I was falling asleep, I received a text from my youngest saying, “Hey Mom, I think my phone is broken. Reply on FB please.” I lay there for at least 10 minutes telling myself he was fine, it could wait until tomorrow – but my mother angst kicked in. I pictured him injured somewhere, lying in a ditch, not able to reach me. Lord knows, I can catastrophize with the best of them! I knew there would be no sleep until I replied and waited for him to reply letting me know that he was okay, and that our conversation could wait until tomorrow. I willed myself to go to sleep, and finally dozed off around 11:30 – only to be woken up by yet another text from Dom at 12:25 am – this time to tell me his phone had water damage from a torrential downpour, he can only communicate through facebook, etc., etc., etc. I read the text, decided I didn’t need to answer it, and tried to fall back asleep. Fast forward to 2:00 am – I am awakened  by a huge clap of thunder accompanied by a big bolt of lightning, and I continued to listen to and watch severe thunderstorms roll through the area until probably 3:30 am – our power went off 3 different times during the storms! By the time the alarm went off at 5 am I was finally in a deep sleep and did not want to get out of my cozy nest of a bed. But I did it – with a little help from Betsy, who brought me a cup of coffee to help jumpstart my day. I drove to the gym through torrential rains and arrived just before 6. Adam was already there waiting, with a smile on his face. I like him. He is laid back, and nonconfrontational – just what I need.  He has kind eyes! He walked me gently through my first workout, pushing me when I needed it, and encouraging me the entire time. I learned about heart rates, and building muscles, and correct form and so much more…… too bad I can’t remember any of it, haha!!! It was a long hour, to be honest. But I did it! And I know that I will continue to do it. I think blogging is going to help, as it will keep me accountable, and it is also a place where I can process the process (omg, I am SUCH a social worker, aren’t I?)! Tomorrow I will just walk in the neighborhood- 30 minutes, getting my heart rate up to 110 – 120. And then Friday, back to the gym. I have a plan. And I like it. Day 5 and counting.

Feelings Identification

So tomorrow is the BIG day. My first day of personal training. How am I feeling about it, you might ask? Can I just say that for someone who spends her life helping other people identify feelings, I am not always the best at identifying my own feelings. So I’m not sure how I am feeling about it, to be perfectly honest. Even as I write this post, I am looking at the “How Do You Feel” poster stuck to the back of my therapy room door….. and I can’t really identify exactly how I am feeling. Happy? A little. Embarrassed? Plenty (I mean, 49% body fat? How did I let this happen????). Worried? Oh yes (have I mentioned that I have social anxiety and the thought of walking into that gym for the first time -well, technically the second time- already has my left eye twitching). Exhausted? Well, not today, but you bet I will be this time tomorrow since I have to wake up at 5:00 am to make it to training by 6:00 am. Depressed? Again, refer to my body fat statistic. Excited? maybe a little, but to be perfectly honest sometimes I have trouble distinguishing excitement from fear, so it could just be that I am scared. Anyway…… you get the picture. I guess I have a wide range of feelings, which I am sure is normal. Mostly, I just want to start and embrace the process from the beginning through the middle and all the way to the end. And I’m smart enough to know that there is no end, that tomorrow is truly the beginning of a journey that won’t end until the day I die. I just want to get physically healthy. That is my one and only goal as I begin this process. Adam asked me the other day if I had any long-range goals – and I had to honestly answer him “no” because I don’t. I have been a spectator for so long, that I don’t know how it feels to be a participant. I have sat on the sidelines of life for as long as I can remember – and I don’t mean that in a “poor me” kind of way, I mean it in an “I chose to sit on the sidelines because I never wanted to participate” kind of way. I have sat and watched my kids at the playground, at swim meets, at soccer games, at baseball games, at plays, at music recitals, at marching band exhibitions and at cross-country meets. I have sat and watched Betsy play tennis. I have sat on the beach and watched my kids play in the surf (well, every now and then I will float in the water next to them with my trusty blue noodle, as long as the water is calm and I can see to the bottom). I watch people do things that I do not want to do, knowing that even if I wanted to do them I probably couldn’t. I’m not athletic enough, I’m not coordinated enough, I’m not flexible enough, etc., etc., etc. So beginning tomorrow, I am going to be a participant in this thing called life. In personal training first, then I imagine in other things as well. While I have lots of uncertainty and not knowing, I do know one thing for sure – it feels good to be at a starting point. Day 4 and counting.

New Beginnings

I have been following a Facebook friend’s transformative blog for the past month or so. This person has lost 120 pounds in the past year and a half, just by doing things the old fashioned way, e.g., changing eating habits and learning how to exercise. I have been reading along, knowing I need to make a change in my own life, but not feeling ready to commit to what I know I need to do. I need to lose 90 lbs. That is a LOT of weight. It feels overwhelming at this point – like I just don’t know where to begin. But I guess the best place to start is at the very beginning. So I sent my friend’s trainer, Adam Freeman, an email this week and laid it all out. “I am a fat, middle aged woman who basically can’t stand to look at herself in the mirror any more…..”  Adam responded almost immediately, leaving me no time to chicken out and/or change my mind, and we set up an appointment to meet. Our first meeting was yesterday. Oy. Don’t get me wrong – Adam is great. The “oy” is my reaction to how I felt after having my fatness confirmed by the scale, complete with body fat statistics (49%). It was SO hard to walk in that gym. I know that Adam talked to me for the better part of an hour about how I can do this, how WE can do this, and he provided me with lots of information about weight, body fat, percentages, and so on. Truthfully, my head was spinning and I don’t really know that I took in much of anything he said. What I do know is that I begin my training with Adam on Wednesday morning at 6:00 am. I will be training Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from this point forward. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am not now – and have never been – a morning person. But I looked at my calendar, and between my private practice clients, and my in-home therapy clients, there just is no other time of the day that I can work out. So it looks like I am going to become a morning person, haha. I am excited to start, but I have to admit that I am also terrified. Terrified that I won’t stick with it (I have started and stopped more diets/work out programs/lifestyle changes than I care to admit), terrified that what has worked for so many others won’t work for me, terrified that I will fail….. I want to have positive thoughts, I really do. I want to be excited, I want to be hopeful, I WANT to be successful at this. So, as I learned so many, many years ago during another period of my life where I was making a change for the better, I am just going to “act as if” and trust that the process will work for me, as it has worked for countless others before me. I am committed to getting healthy. As I told Adam in my email, I value integrity in the therapeutic process – and in order to truly feel good about helping other people live their truth, I need to live my own. For me that means being healthy – emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I have the first two – but now it is time to work on the third. So here is to New Beginnings. My own transformative journey, one day at a time. I don’t know that I will write every day, but I will definitely write about the journey, as I experience it, in all its glory, the good the bad and the ugly. Day 1 and counting!